I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
