Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
