My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
