my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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