i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
