Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
