God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
