what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
