Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can text with my tongue
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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