We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
