I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
