You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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