life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
