Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
