dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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