why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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