A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
