I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i think i have herpe
just one?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
