census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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