Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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