i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
