Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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