I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
