I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
