Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
