checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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