Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I want is dick and wine.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
