Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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