the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
