i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
