I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
