While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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