I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
