Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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