i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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