don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
