Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
