I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
