the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
