new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i think my cat just said my name.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
