I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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