Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize