I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
