plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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