Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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