can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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