it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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