bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
