I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
