I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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