failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
