the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you had me at cake vodka
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
