my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
