history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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