I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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