Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
