she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
