Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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