Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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