She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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