Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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