i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
