i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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