he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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