Already got asked if we're dating
you guys were way drunker than both of me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Randomize
