i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We are all done wearing pants today
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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